As a psychologist, I’ve talked with parents about my share of behavior plans, sticker charts, chore charts, visual schedules—you name it, I’ve probably tried it.

And often, I hear some version of the same thing:

• “I want my child to stop hitting his sister.”

• “I want my daughter to stop having an attitude every time we ask her to do something.”

• “I need him to stop getting suspended from school.”

When kids engage in behavior we want to change, our natural reaction is often to take something away.

• No video games.

• No phone.

• No screen time.

• No going out with friends.

In other words, our attention becomes focused on stopping the behavior we don’t want.

But sometimes, a more effective question is:

What behavior do I want instead—and how can I help my child work toward it?

Think About It From the Adult Perspective

Imagine your partner said:

“If you don’t do exactly what I want you to do, I’m going to take away something you love.”

For example, if my husband told me he was taking away my morning coffee unless I made the bed every morning, I would be irritated.

If he told me I couldn’t wear my favorite pair of boots unless I folded the laundry immediately after it came out of the dryer, I would probably resent him.

And if I said, “I really don’t feel like doing laundry today,” and he responded:

“I don’t care whether you feel like doing it. You HAVE to do it right now.”

Well...that probably wouldn’t inspire me to become a more enthusiastic laundry-folder.

When we apply the same examples to adults, they sound ridiculous.

And yet, this pattern is pretty common with kids.

We say:

• “If you disrespect your teacher, I’m taking away your video games.”

• “If you don’t finish your homework, you lose your screen time.”

• “I don’t care if you don’t feel like doing your chores. You have to do them because I said so.”

Sometimes consequences are absolutely appropriate. Kids need boundaries, accountability, and limits.

But if taking things away becomes our primary strategy for changing behavior, we can miss an important opportunity to actually teach the behavior we want to see.

In general, we have a hard time tolerating the parts of ourselves that we see reflected in our children.

Work Toward the Goal, Not Away From It

Instead of organizing everything around what your child needs to stop doing, identify what you want them to start doing.

Then make progress toward that behavior meaningful.

Think of it as working toward the goal instead of away from the problem.

The key to changing behavior is to work toward the goal, not simply away from the behavior you dislike.

Here’s what that might look like.

Instead of taking away video games for disrespect...

Start with the goal:

What do I want instead?

Respectful behavior at school.

Maybe your child earns 60 minutes of video game time after a school day in which they were consistently respectful.

If there was one difficult interaction but they recovered, repaired, or responded appropriately after a reminder, maybe they earn 30 minutes.

The point isn’t necessarily the exact number of minutes.

The shift is this:

Instead of saying,

“You messed up, so I’m taking something away,”

you’re saying,

“Here is what you are working toward, and here is the behavior that helps you get there.”

Instead of taking away screen time when homework isn’t finished...

Again, identify the goal.

Completing homework responsibly.

Maybe she earns 40 minutes of screen time after successfully completing her homework.

Maybe she earns an additional 15 minutes when assignments are turned in on time for the week.

Again, the privilege may end up being exactly the same.

What changes is the framework.

She isn’t simply trying to avoid losing something.

She is learning:

My choices help me move toward something I want.

Why This Small Shift Matters

This might sound like semantics.

Aren’t we basically doing the same thing either way?

Sometimes, yes.

But psychologically, the experience can feel very different.

One approach communicates:

“Don’t mess up or I’ll take something from you.”

The other communicates:

“Here’s the goal. Let’s figure out how you can get there.”

That second approach gives us more room to teach skills, notice progress, reinforce effort, and help kids make the connection between their choices and the outcomes that follow.

And, frankly, it works on adults too.

If someone told me that every time I folded the laundry immediately I was earning money toward a new pair of boots, that laundry might become the most efficiently folded laundry in Indiana.

Start With the Behavior You Want

So when you find yourself thinking:

I need him to stop...

I wish she wouldn’t...

Why do they keep...

Pause and ask:

What do I want my child to do instead?

Then consider how you can notice, encourage, reinforce, and build that behavior.

Consequences still have a place.

Boundaries still matter.

Accountability still matters.

But behavior change becomes much easier when children understand what they are moving toward, not just what they are trying to avoid.

Don’t make the entire plan about stopping the behavior you dislike.

Help them practice the behavior you want them to learn.